Not to be that cliche tguy all like "ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhh i hate the way im percieved" but its. weird? I have 0 sense of self awareness when it comes to how i may come off to folks- not just gender wise but just like. me as a whole. i have no clue how i physically look to other people, i have no idea how my personality comes across to other people. Really it feels like everyone has such vastly different ways of percieving me i cant even use their point of reference to dictate how i am!!
I have an habit of staring at the mirror every night before i go to sleep, because i cannot ever from the top of my head remember what my face looks like. I have no clue if to other people i look like a baby-faced guy or just. a kinda ugly butch girl tbh. Im not sure if people even view me as butch!!! I would prefer they did bc like. at least im getting some of my presentation right- but i feel the way i am just contradicts that- BUT THAT ALSO DEPENDS ON HOW PEOPLE VIEW ME????
this has haunted me my whole life, but i guess i only became really aware of it a few days ago in IT class. I share that class with some of my old classmates from catholic school, some guys i have shared 13 years of life with, and some guys who hated my guts from start to finish. I can somewhat understand them- retroactively my younger self was an annoying weirdo but that day, one of my current classmates came into class a bit late- a girl whose guts i hate - shes really soft spoken and carries herself with an exaggerated daintiness. shes nice to your face but shes nearly gotten me hatecrimed before and talks trash about *everyone* with her friends (who i feel dont even like her that much) so imagine my surprise when this girl comes into the classroom, apologizes to the teacher outloud, and the three guys, without raising their eyes from the screen, assume it was me talking. Like damn!!! is that really how i come across to people? I mean i was very soft spoken during most of catholic school - because i had strict parents who forcefully erased any southern accent from my Spanish - but looking at the larger picture? damn no wonder they hated my guts. Like I was definetly a teachers pet- But that was back in elementary dude! It makes me wonder like. if only i didnt come off that way as a kid we could maybe at least tolerate eachother. which would be nice yk. So I dont almost get hatecrimed again.

Im not sure where i was going with this. I just wish i was more self-aware and less autistic i guess