As a teenage transgenderist living in the pretty damn rural Spanish south I tend to let my self fall in pits of irrational dysphoria knowing that ill never pass here unless I cater to the *very* specific ideal of masculinity everyone and their father is constantly chasing. Liking sports, driving a motorbike, wearing all nike and adidas sportwear 24/7, excessive drinking and objectfiying any woman you come across... the moment you defy any of those traits you are immediatly questioned by your peers. Its tough!! I dont want to fall into mysoginy and toxic masculinity to be accepted. I wish i didnt have to be someone else to be who i want to be.I dont want to spend 60 bucks on a branded tracksuit to fit in thats stupid. But I want to relate to them so bad.

Needless to say, I dont do great with most cis guys round here. Not just because Im transgender and theyre generally bigots, but because despite me wanting to be a man, Im not really all that masculine. Now that Im in an enviroment were Im allowed to exist as a trans person but not even percieved as such half the time ive realized- I dont pass. And its not about my physical appearance because i have been blessed by San Genero with small tits thick brows and broad shoulders but like. Just because of how I am. Im not sporty, I dont like to act tough, i buy my clothes at shops targetted towards women because theyre the only ones i know the name of(and the clothes are ngl cuter), and on top of that I have a life long obsession with fashion dolls and similarly branded toys. aka girl shit. AND IT SUCKS!!

I feel like if someone walked into my room not knowing im transgender theyd have some intense whiplass upon being greeted by my 30 fashion dolls all propped up on my shelf. And of course I know cis men can like that shit too- Ive spent all my life surrounded by cis guys who have a dirty little secret (a fellow obsession with media targetted towards girls) but. As a trans man(who is also unfortunately straight), sometimes it hits me in that certain spot like. "ough... Im really not wired to be a man am I". Half the time I deal with it fine- by just essentially making myself forget its a girls thing else i want to rip my skin off. Ive always dealt with it that way, ever since I was a child. I liked dolls but in my mind they werent a girl thing- they were just something I liked. If I were to percieve anything as too femme for my brain to ignore, i would just shut it down entirely. This was a very arbitrary way of thinking and I cringe at it now- I missed out on a lot of iconic shows from my childhood because i thought they were "preppy girl shit". Like i refused to watch the og MH series because of that (But i proudly owned like 5 dolls by the time i was 9).

Truth is, unless reminded of it by external factors, nothing about myself ever strikes me as feminine. I live in my little echo chamber of neomasculinity and i wish I knew how to have that be. accepted by others. Its not like any of my friends question the fact Im a man, but they do question my masculinity often. and I know it doesnt fit the standard male form. But to me, its the ideal male form.

I think it pains me most because I dont have the resources to fully put my identity out there. Im practically out but choose to hide my identity from others i know are capable of beating me up were i ever to come across them on the streets late at night and as such I find myself having to restrain myself from flaunting or further developing the few masculine atributes i have and the many I crave. So Im kinda at a weird spot were I want to fully embrace my neomasculinity in its combination of tipically male and female traits, but Im restrained to only exhibiting the more femme ones because if i were to grow a mustache right where I am Id be hate crimed. And I think that lack of balance is whats driving me insane. Because again Im a man- but even if my idea of masculinity is different Im not even allowed to chase that goal because of my current environment. So tl;dr. THIS SUCKS